My Husband is Pregnant

Okay. Honestly. My husband has been this amazing source of support since I’ve been pregnant.

He works 8-5. Coaches wrestling 5:30-7:30. Comes home and usually makes me dinner. Rubs my feet and belly. Cleans up the house a little. And gets me something to drink or eat if I ask. This is 5 days a week, people.

He’s been doing the grocery shopping, helping me get dressed, tying my shoes if I’m too dizzy to bend over… just… everything.

And I guess it made my sex drive come back a little because WOW. We’ve been having some amazing (albeit bloated) love affairs up in our little house. And I have this new (pregnant?) thing where I like to be on top… like… all the time? He doesn’t complain. It’s about as much energy as I can muster to reward him right now.

Sweetly (and weirdly) enough, he has gained some weight and been sick a few times so far in my pregnancy. Some days when my belly hurts, his mysteriously hurts too. Sometimes he feels dizzy & tired when I do. It’s called sympathy pregnancy and it’s hilarious.

Almost as hilarious as waking up every morning and vomiting wildly and feeling like you’ve been run over by a truck all day. Then rocking back & forth and repeating, “Please kill me now… please kill me now… please kill me now…” while crying and snotting all over yourself.

Mr. WC has fulfilled his vows, that’s the only way I know how to word it. He has waited on me hand & foot and treated me like a little princess. He’s stayed excited about the pregnancy when I’ve become tired of it. He’s listened to me cry & napped with me & let me be moody and ridiculous. One night he said very gently, “You’re being hateful,” and WOO BOY let the flood gates open. It was true, I had been so hateful, and he’d been so patient with me.

I have a new respect for women who do this alone. Good GOD LORD how do you do it? I can barely function by myself right now… and I just want to give Mr. WC the props (ow ow) that he deserves, for being such an amazing husband. I love you, muffin. Less than 3. <3 Thank you so much!

Morning Sickness is Hell

I guess today officially marks 8 weeks. Party at my house?

I celebrated by vomiting up an entire bottle of water about 20 minutes ago. Oddly enough, I have realized that I have quite the talent at throwing up, because apparently I can choose whether or not to throw up liquid or solids. I kept down my Life cereal and the oatmeal I’d eaten, and only threw up water.

I have no idea how the hell that happened. But it was awesomeness.

I must’ve jinxed myself because I didn’t throw up at all yesterday or early this morning, and Mr. WC exclaimed on the phone during his lunch break, “You’ve broken the cycle! It’s over!” and I got horribly pissed off. He was just trying to be positive but I was like, “Please don’t say that because it’s not over,” and what do you know…an hour later I was puking.

It’s just that this is hard and awful and I do not want a SINGLE person minimizing it even a little bit. I’m serious, too. It’s like if I were to go up to someone who just had chemo and say, “But you’re not as sick as last week, are you?! Yayyayay!!!!!!”

You just don’t try to cheer up sick people. Another thing that some of you have done (and I love you dearly, and it’s fine – I understand why you’re doing it) is start in with the horror story thing. I don’t want to hear the horror stories about how you had it the entire pregnancy. If I don’t have hope that this is going to end, then things are going to get ugly quick. So please refrain. I’m not at that “special place” yet where I can empathize and then be thankful that at least I don’t have it that bad.

I’m sorry. Please don’t stop commenting or sending support, I’m just trying to be honest about what I need. What I need is people saying, “It ends. It’s okay. I was scared, too. It’s hard. You’re strong.”

Anything else is too much to stomach right now.

Oh, I made a pun in the middle of being a bitch! Cute!

So… other than looking forward to be disgustingly rushed and sick all Thanksgiving, I’ve been spending most of my time laying on the couch with not enough energy to move. That’s not like a… cool way of describing how tired I am. It’s literal. I don’t have enough energy to get up and walk around.

I’ve also had to start wrangling up some final things for school, for a class that meets tonight to wrap up our internship experiences, and it’s been… miserable. It’s too much for me to focus on anything other than just trying to breathe without gagging.

I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m mad.

Tum Tum Tum Tum Tum

My morning routine has become quite predictable. Wake up early, anywhere from 6am-8am, chew a Tums as quickly as possible, drink a few swigs of water, vomit within about 15 minutes of being awake.

Like clockwork.

No, I don’t eat before my feet hit the floor. It doesn’t work. I still end up vomiting. Yes, I get up slowly. My body wants to vomit… so I let it vomit. K?

I got the brilliant idea to begin chewing Tums before I vomited last time I was pregnant, when I threw up complete stomach acid and it burnt my throat and nose so badly that I started choking.

“What could neutralize the acid quickly?” I thought. Oh yes, TUMS!

So, now when I throw up, it’s very neutral and doesn’t bother me very much at all. It has become a coping mechanism… a rite of passage.

So yes, I’m still sick. Not as miserable, however.

I am convinced that morning sickness is way over-looked in society. It is difficult. And harder for some than others. I’ve heard 100 horror stories about sickness lasting the whole 9 months, people ending up in the hospital on anti-nausea pumps, etc. It’s ridiculous. I truthfully feel that they need to figure out what’s going on and find some effective way of stopping it.

But that’s just daydreaming.

As for the baby, I’ve been having dreams that it’s a girl now. SIGH. I think it’s my mind playing tricks on me, because I’m still convinced it’s a boy, but so far in all of my dreams the baby is a she. I have been having stretchy/full feelings in my lower abdomen, and the bloating is still around. I can’t button any of my pants now, and I use a hair tie in the button hole to give me room to breathe. I’ve not really been peeing a lot, but since I naturally pee so much, I doubt I’d even notice. Sex drive has been okay… this morning I woke Mr. WC up with a fun surprise because some girls were flirting with him at a party last night and it made my woman instinct go into over-drive.

Oh, and apparently I’ve been quite the bitch. To everyone. Last night I apparently said some very smartass things to the young girls flirting with WC. One of them said, “Teehee! I don’t like smoking much!” and I said, “That’s because you’re not old enough to buy cigarettes.”

Sry? When you spend most of your day feeling sea sick, you’re not a ray of sunshine. I’m glad you all understand. *kissy faces*

What else? Oh. A sweet friend bought me un-scented hand sanitizer because she knew I was getting sick from the smelly kinds. It was so cute and thoughtful. Why do I suck so bad at giving presents? Blah.

Speaking of presents, I have asked Mr. WC for some prenatal yoga classes for my birthday next week. I need to de-stress because my anxiety has been really high lately. I’m hoping it’s just the hormones, but honest to God, I feel like ALL the progress I’ve made in therapy is being stolen away from me. It’s… hurtful. I don’t know how to explain it to you. After years and years of dealing with crippling anxiety, I had finally taught myself to manage it without medication or much thought… but since I’ve been pregnant, I feel like none of my relaxation techniques are working any more.

I’m a ball of fun and joy, in other words.

Early Anxiety

I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I was anxious. Scared. A little sad.

It’s a combination of the increased hormones, awful “morning” sickness, and the brutal weather/time change. They basically all mixed into a perfect cocktail of stress and anxiety, leaving me a mess.

A matter of fact, just minutes ago I sat on my kitchen table, bawling into one of Mr. WC’s tshirts, and moaning like my legs were being cut off. All I could think of was, “It’s not going to be just me and him any more. It’s not going to be just us. What if I don’t love the baby? What if I hate it and have to give it up for adoption? What if I have depression? Why am I so weak? I just want it to be me and my husband again – no nausea, no baby books, no anxieties.”

I’m just drained. And when I’m drained, I doubt myself. It’s a nasty little habit I’ve worked on for the past year with a counselor, and made progress, but obviously not enough. It’s time to go back in and talk with her, I can feel it. I need to have confidence in this pregnancy or I’m going to be miserable all through it, and I feel like I’ll regret that later.

I want this baby, but it’s not something I can really say out loud or accept right now. I’m not prepared to twirl around with my hands on my tummy, singing lullabies. I’m more prepared to stuff my face in a pillow and scream… or sleep away the nerves. I’m just not into it right now.

The good thing is that I kind of expected this. I have a tough time with transitions, and over the last year I luckily gained insight into that… enough where I can recognize that I probably won’t feel like this forever, if I can just get through this rough patch.

I also feel horribly guilty about what I’m putting Mr. WC through. He’s currently working full-time, then coaching wrestling for 2 hours every evening, coming home & cooking and cleaning for me, rubbing my feet, listening to me cry, comforting me when I throw up, and not receiving anything sexual. I feel awful. He’s exhausted and he’s actually been sick a few times because of watching me… and I hate that. All I want is to be a good wife to him… he’s everything I have, wrapped up into one person. I can’t help but confess that. He’s my entire family… all of my friends… he embodies everything and everyone. To watch him be stressed out because of me… is making me feel like a failure.

I don’t want anything any more but him. Me & him in a cave, with no one around, loving & cuddling & kissing & being together. No complications.

Good lord I think this is enough for now.

First Pregnancy Appointment

Stats
6 weeks, 6 days pregnant
EDD: 07/06/2010
Blood Pressure: 96/60
Heart Rate: 121 BPM
Symptoms: Excess saliva, Nausea (all day/night), Vomiting, Bloating, Dizziness, Strange Dreams… to name a few

Doesn’t it look like the baby has sunglasses on and is doing a little face like “Sup dude?”

The baby looks fine, and the heart rate is within normal limits. It is on the slower side, but my doctor said it’s not a concern for her (so it’s not one for me). I go back on December 21st for my Downs Syndrome screening/ultrasound. I’ll be almost 12 weeks.

The ultrasound was amazing. Painful, of course, because who wants a huge mechanical weenie-shaped wand going up inside them when they’re nauseated? But after I was over the initial discomfort and saw our little buddy, I was happy. They turned the heartbeat on and it was awesome. Swoosh. Swoosh. Swoosh. Mr. WC let out the cutest little sigh. We saw the heart beat flickering on the screen as well, and I started crying. “How is something so little making me SO sick?” I said. Everyone smiled.

Okay, okay baby… I like you again for now.

I got my bloodwork & urine sample crap done, and had a pap smear and pelvic exam. All is well! Discharge is normal. She wants me to eat constantly. And take Unisom + B6 if I need to. She told me not to wear a thong because it would increase my chance of a UTI and such, and I started laughing, while she was up in there checking things out, which made her start laughing, and it was a mess.

Mr. WC sat uncomfortably in the corner of the room, face red. I think he was in a bit of disbelief that the huge metal thing had just been in “his” special place.

I like this doctor because she’s so laid back. She told me to try and stay busy through the nausea, because it helps. And she said very matter of factly, “This will NOT last forever.” Sigh of relief.

So… all is well. I’m feeling sicky today, but not so much that I can’t function yet. So I’m enjoying a little sunshine, spending time w/ hubby who has been home all day, and talking to the little buddy.

Oh! And I should say that mid-conversation in her office, my doctor said, “You’re having a boy.”

Told you.

Sick, Sick, Sick

This is rough. My morning sickness has slowly evolved into all day & night sickness. I have been forcing myself to leave the house a little here or there, but when I do, I have a lump in my throat the entire time and feel like my stomach is doing somersaults. It’s miserable and I refuse to live like this.

Tomorrow I’m going to talk to my OB-Gyn about taking Unisom + B6. I will admit, I’m a little paranoid about taking medication while pregnant, even over the counter (that is considered as safe as Tylenol during pregnancy). I’m more paranoid about what’s going to happen to my sanity and will to live if I don’t get some relief. I refuse to sacrifice all happiness, my social life, my career, and my academic work to this pregnancy. Call me selfish, but I deserve to have a few days mixed in where I feel I’m able to function. I’m sick of eating saltines and Life cereal. And if my depression and anxiety starts to kick back in, all of that will be a lot more dangerous for the baby than any medication ever could be. Trust me. It will constantly be bathed with stress… and that’s not something I want.

I’m excited about our appointment tomorrow, but to be honest, I have become a little disconnected to the pregnancy. I kind of have to be… it’s hard to explain. It’s hard not to resent the little buddy growing in your stomach, because it’s making you so sick and frustrated. So I decided to just stop reading the books, the forums, and talking about it constantly for a while.

I need to throw up right now but I’m trying to hold in my food. It’s the most… uncomfortable feeling in the world. Add on top of that strange dreams, EXCESS SALIVA (dear GOD HELP ME), and a huge amount of bloating… and I am probably the sickest I’ve ever felt.

And please no, “It’s all worth it!” I know that, deep in my heart. But when I’m vomiting up stomach acid, it’s not the first thing I think of. Instead, I’m thinking, “F this… I hate my life,” so please refrain.

Now… update on Baby Hannah… she is still inside the womb, and is 30 weeks today. Jess is going to be monitored and checked weekly and has received steroid shots. Keep praying!

Emotionally Eating Life Cereal

Hormones, being exhausted, and vomiting every day has led me to be quite… emotional. I’ll warn you right now, I have no direction with this post. I’m trying to choke down Life cereal right now (it’s bland & I can usually keep it down) and my husband just left to coach wrestling, and I’m supposed to be at school but don’t have the energy (or bravery) to even try.

I don’t know if you’ve ever loved like this, but sometimes my love for my husband overwhelms me. I went upstairs earlier, nauseated and dizzy, and sat beside him while he slept and kissed into his hair. His body was warm and his eyelashes long, and I was just totally in love with him.

I tell him sometimes. “I am CRAZY in love with you,” and he smiles but I can never explain it. It’s not enough. It’s a deep, achey feeling that rests in my tummy always.

I don’t just love him because he is mine. He is literally the best person I’ve ever met. He is friendly with everyone who meets. He is calm and collected. He is smart and innovative. And he is adorable… his round nose & smooth skin & innocent grin.

The past few days have been challenging for me. They will continue to be challenging and I’m trying to find a way to accept that. It’s hard to accept that you’re going to be sick for weeks & weeks, and it should be taken much more seriously than people take it. It is nice to know that my husband is there, and that my love for him helped to create something so miraculous… even if right now I feel like it’s slowly poisoning me and leading me to my death. Fun.

My husband though. Oh my god I love him. And I just want to enjoy this alone time I have left with him any way I can. So I hope the sickness passes soon.

No update on Baby Hannah yet. I’ll keep you posted.

Pray for Hannah

My friend Jess went into labor last night, at 29 weeks pregnant. She will be 30 weeks on Sunday, but they did a test that predicted she’d go into labor within the next 2 weeks. She is leaking amniotic fluid, and preparing herself for a C-section. She has been having painful contractions and is on bed rest.

Jess waited years to get pregnant, and baby Hannah is considered a miracle. We used to joke that she was going to come early, because Jess is so little and because Hannah would be impatient like her mama. But this is not what anyone envisioned.

I feel upset, but I know that Jess has faith, and she trusts God to do whatever it is he’s doing. She was already given one miracle, let’s all pray that she gets another… she certainly deserves it.

Stay in there, Hannah Grace. Stay. Stay. Stay.

Oh Hi, Morning Sickness

Oooooooh noooooooo.

I just want to write, in between throwing up, that this is it. I waited for you, morning sickness, allowing myself a few times (stupid, stupid, stupid) to believe you might not come. Or that you wouldn’t make me throw up, at least. Or that you’d only be a gentle feeling of queasiness and not full on nausea.

This morning I woke up. Threw up. Rocked. Nausea.

That same exhausted, I need to cry, I need to sleep, I need to rock back and forth feeling.

Upset stomach. Upset me.

I’m afraid of you, morning sickness, and you know it. I don’t know what to do with you… how to incorporate you into my daily life. I don’t think of myself as one of those women who is like, “I’m sick, oh well,” walking around in high heels and calmly puking in the employee bathroom at work.

I get violently ill. Emotionally ill. It’s as dramatic as it sounds. I have to clutch a pillow to my chest everywhere I walk, my heart beats out of my chest, and I feel weak.

I’ve worked for months and months on feeling strong, and it’s like you’re trying to rip that all away from me at once, and remind me how you conquered me once before.

Well, morning sickness. I have bad news.

You will not conquer me this time. I might cry. I might complain. I might be scared. But I am NOT going to give up. I’m going to pray through it. I’m going to eat through it. I’m going to relax through it.

So bring it on (as I can feel you’re about to).

And to everyone else… pray for me. Last time I was averaging throwing up 3 times per day, and it was very painful after the first few days, so just think of me & send good thoughts. I know I can do this. But I know I need support behind me.

Breaking the Law

Tonight I ate french fries.

And they were sooooo good.

The queasiness has set in, so I’ve been eating literally like every 2 hours. And every single thing I’ve put in my mouth, I have made sure is relatively healthy and will benefit the baby.

Carrots. Broccoli. Yogurt. Milk (I hate milk). Vitamins. Orange juice (I hate orange juice). Fiber bars. Soup. Meat.

No cupcakes. No candy bars. No caffeine free pop. No over-doing the carbohydrates.

I’m over it.

So. Tonight I ate french fries. And the baby thought they were glorioussssss.

I don’t feel good, but for those few moments, I was infinite.