To Our Baby Girl

Baby Girl,

We are trying to figure out a name for you, but we are having a difficult time. We both kind of like Olive (and I even added a middle name of Louise because I think it’s hilarious/adorable) but I don’t think or know if it’s “the one”. You have the unfortunate “gift” of being my daughter, and you should know that I exchanged my engagement ring 3 times and my wedding dress 3 (or was it 4?) times because I could NOT make up my mind and wanted it to be perfect.

This should scare you. You may not have a name until you’re 15 years old, in other words.

Other than a name, I feel you move every day now. Sometimes I get worried if I’m not feeling it, but I know it’s still early & try to remind myself that I’ll feel it more often as you get bigger. Speaking of bigger… my stomach is popping! It is kind of scary. It’s a tight/sensitive feeling after I eat, and no one really told me that you literally feel like your body is stretching out & you have a little trouble breathing, even! At only about halfway through! What am I going to do when I’m really big?! Last night I even thought, “Oh god… what if I can’t breathe any more and they have to cut her out at 28 weeks?!?”

Yes, that’s my thought process. I hope you don’t inherit it. Srsly.

We love you. At first, we were just amazed and excited by you. The love really did take time. We were different than some parents… maybe we had more anxiety… more fears… more uncertainty. But the more we’ve seen you dance on the screen in the doctor’s office, and now feeling you move around like a little popcorn or a little goldfish… we have started to fall in love with you. And both of us are becoming quite protective.

I just want you to know this while you’re still in my tummy – safe & away from anyone who can hurt you or yell at you or make you feel like you’re less than…

The world is unfair. It will never be fair. You’re going to want to change things, and it’s going to be really hard to sit & watch people suffer. I want you to know that one of the reasons we decided to create you is because we knew how big your heart would be. We knew how smart you’d be. We knew how sensitive and free-spirited you’d be.

Use those talents, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself, okay? Try to have fun sometimes, despite wanting to always help & always make a difference in people’s lives. Every once in a while you need to relax & have a slumber party… or make cupcakes… or dance in your underwear. And those things are okay, you don’t have to feel guilty about them. Part of life is about taking care of each other & part of life is about taking care of ourselves. Enjoy both.

And remember that advice if I’m not around when you’re older the way I am trying to remember it now.

Life is hard but really, really, good. That’s really what I’m trying to say.

I can’t wait for you to see what I mean.

Love,
Mama

18 Weeks: Ginormous Boobage

My boobs are huge. I woke up this morning and stopped in the mirror before showering and said, “OH MY LORD,” out loud to myself and cupped them in my hands.

It’s not like they’re huge in comparison to yours… so don’t start getting all competitive on me. They’re huge in comparison to mine… my small B cups have become medium-sized C cups and I don’t know what to do with them, really. They just like… sit there… and look full & perky.

I am enjoying it, because they will probably be shaped like pancakes after the pregnancy (sorry if yours already are. Kisses.)

Moving on.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant today. Two weeks away from being HALFWAY FINISHED. AHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSS.

I’m over it. I want to meet her. I want to see her tiny face. I want to make plans for her.

I like being pregnant but I don’t like being pregnant… I don’t know how else to explain it. I don’t like having to remember to take vitamins, not eat certain things, eat other certain things, get enough sleep, lay on my side, not be around chemicals, etc. etc. etc.

It’s just too much to think about, really. It’s a full-time job by itself!

The parts I like about it? That I’m providing a cozy little home for our baby. The way it feels when she moves gently. My cute belly sticking out. Seeing her on ultrasound. Mr. WC sending me pictures of nurseries he thinks are cute.

Those things all make it bearable… even enjoyable… dare I say it.

People have started buying her stuff. I will eventually post pictures, but I wanted to say thanks to Rachie, Courtney, and Jess – all of whom have bought or sent along clothes for the little one! Right now all of her stuff is laying in the guest room, strewn about wildly.

We are still working on a name. We go back & forth and I’ve been sticking pretty firmly with one of them for the past week, so we’ll see if Mr. WC decides he likes it as much as I do.

I’m tired and want to lay on my back. And I want to show off my boobs.

Almost 17 Weeks

So, we got to find out the gender of our little cupcake the other day. In a crowded ultrasound room, surrounded by my mom, dad, stepmom, and husband, the ultrasound technician slowly typed letters across the screen and it was revealed to us:

“BABY GIRL”

Everyone gasped and cheered & I started crying (of course) and B and I smiled at each other. It was a huge surprise, considering I was so convinced it was a boy that I told B the ultrasound was a waste of time & money and we might as well start buying blue clothes.

Something transformed in that very second. The baby wasn’t an it any more. She wasn’t a blurry fantasy. She became real and I could start to imagine her laugh, her dimples, her tiny ears. B & I both agreed that we loved the baby 100 times more after finding out, not because she is a girl, but because she has an identity now. She has her own little legs & buttcheeks & tiny lips & curved nose. A tiny person that will have her own food preferences and musical tastes! How funny!

I was a bit overwhelmed for the rest of the day. I had to entertain family members, and that can get difficult for me. My older sister is definitely the entertainer in the family, and sometimes when all eyes are on me, I actually shut down (like at my wedding) and get really quiet. My sister and mom took me shopping and bought adorable little outfits, this bathing suit being one of them:

B & I bought her a pack of five onesies, each with a different treat on the front (lollipop, cupcake, gumball machine, etc.) and it still wasn’t real.

To be honest, I just wanted to go into a corner and talk to her and rub on her. Her and I have been developing a very special understanding between each other the past few weeks. She calms me down a lot. She reminds me of my strength when I need it most, and I just wanted to tell her how proud I was of her, and how I think she’s going to be really funny like her daddy & that’s why she’s been tricking me into thinking she was a boy. I imagine her on four-wheelers and fishing like I did when I was little. I refused to wear a shirt for most of my childhood, because if my male cousins didn’t have to… I sure as Hell wasn’t going to. I can see her catching crawdads in the creek and pushing the boys down when they try to kiss her. B even joked, “How did you even MAKE a girl?” because I’m not much of one myself.

The next “big step” is the name, which is becoming increasingly annoying. I don’t really mind people asking, I’m just amazed that we seem to be some of the only people that don’t have a name picked out the day after conception. I’m not even halfway through and I’m supposed to be decided already… and I’m just not a decisive person about those types of things. Some of the names I like?

Story
Aslea
Evia
Isla
Olive

They’re all weird and super controversial, apparently. Everyone keeps saying, “You don’t want her to get made fun of on the playground!” and then they make some sort of horrid suggestion that I can’t stand and I have to say, “Oh yes, that is cute…” A few people have made suggestions I like, though (like Azlen) but mostly people keep failing.

So. I have a doctor’s appointment this week to do bloodwork, and they in a few weeks we’ll do the “big” anatomy ultrasound to make sure our little buddy is forming just right, and then it will probably be time to start working on the nursery and baby showers and such.

Whoa.

But until then, I just want to enjoy our cute little girl & her long little legs that I can’t wait to nibble on.

Bumpdate & More 15 Weeks, 1 Day

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

Side by Side with my 11 Week Pic:

 

It’s filling out more! See up top? It’s changed from bloat to baby & it’s kind of changed shape. I don’t know how to explain it shut up.

Moving on.

Most Noticeable Symptoms
-Frequent urination (finally has caught up to me)
-Thirsty all the time
-Cramps/pulls/sensations in lower abdomen
-Headaches
-Insomnia during the night, sleeping during the day
-Crazy dreams
-Excessive saliva (still… sigh)
-Nose bleeds

I have bronchitis right now, which is a result of having a horrid viral infection for over a week. I get bronchitis sometimes if I’ve been really sick, and I’m kind of letting it work it’s way out. However, next week if it isn’t 98% gone, I’m going to have to call my doctor. If I get H1N1 right now I’ll probably die… so that’ll be exciting to look forward to.

I’m definitely bonding more with the little guy. I say guy because I swear up & down it’s a boy. We find out on the 22nd of this month, but I’d feel comfortable painting the whole house blue at this point. But yes, we are bonding with each other. I talk to him and say, “Are you in there buddy?” and try to make him move around. I’ll get to feel him soon hopefully! I also sing to him… hilarious songs from the 80′s and early 90′s, mainly, because I tell him often that the music of his generation is going to suck. If we find out it’s a girl next Friday, I will spend a couple weeks apologizing to her… and maybe let her date before she’s 18.

Mr. WC has begun measuring my belly with a ribbon, because he thinks it’s hilarious apparently, and then hanging the ribbon up in the middle of our house so I see it every time I walk by it. He cut it like 12 feet long and said very seriously, “Do you think this will last through the whole 9 months?”

Damn it.

Worst part? It’s not going to.

Two strange things going on (besides the dreams) would be this mouth/jaw thing I’ve been having. About once every week or so, I’ll be sitting around doing whatever, and the little thing beneath my tongue will swell up suddenly. Then I’ll feel a tightness on one side of my jaw. I can still open it and everything, but it’s almost like it’s having a spasm, and it hurts a little when I swallow. It passes in like 10 minutes. I’m going to ask my doctor about it because it’s really odd, and it has only happened since I’ve been pregnant. Any clue what it might be?

The other strange thing is that I hate eating. I mean I HATE IT. I hate putting stuff in my mouth, chewing, and swallowing. I hate almost all foods… the smell… making it… looking at it. I am only eating because it would kill my baby otherwise and I’m totally serious. I told Mr. WC that I’m pregorexic. It’s not that I don’t want to gain weight at all… I just cannot stand the thought of most things. I even Googled “Food Aversion” in hopes that someone else would just rather not ever eat, but could only find aversions to specific things.

So yes. I am still here. I guess I got so exhausted, and then I got so complainy, then I realized no one was really reading this because I had already bitched everyone out… so I thought I’d take a little break. But I am back! Because exciting things are on the way! Like I should be able to feel the baby move soon! EEEE. Thought I may have felt it today but I’m not sure enough to say I did.

Kbye.

Baby & I Are Alive

13 Weeks. One of my more flattering pregnancy ensembles… Don’t ask me how or why I’m this big. I haven’t gained a pound, and I look 5 months pregnant but my baby is still very low. I have no idea what’s going on, either.

I’m sure you all are wondering where I have been! Here I am, here I am!

It’s been hard to post over here for various reasons. One is that I realize how bitchy & complainy I’ve been. On one hand, I don’t care because I’m pregnant and feel entitled to be sad and grouchy and hormonal. On the other hand, I’m not a huge fan (believe it or not) of telling you all how much I want to die every 5 seconds, and then looking like an ungrateful little asshole. So I’ve been trying to hold it back, allowing a few slip-ups here or there on Twitter, but mostly sucking it in as much as possible.

After our last (12 weeks) ultrasound, where we watched our baby bounce and dance, I felt so excited. I still am excited, but… I don’t know how to explain it. If you could imagine excitement as a thing, I would say it is a little cupcake hidden underneath layers of blankets. Those blankets would represent nausea, exhaustion, anxiety, doubt, and frustration. Right now, a lot of my energy is being put into just eating and sleeping and living. I have been so lucky on the timing of this pregnancy – that the worst of it all has been while I’ve been on a break from school and internship, because it has allowed me to really take care of myself as much as possible.

Currently I have a horrid viral infection that I was convinced was going to kill me last night. I laid on our couch and rolled around, crying, with a trash bag half full of snotty tissues beside me. It was pretty intense. This is being magnified by my now very obvious insomnia… which causes me to wake up every 15 minutes or so and switch positions, sigh, and think about the most RANDOM things non-stop until I almost go crazy. I am *this close* to start taking Unisom every other night, just to get rest and ease up the nausea, but the nervous part of me is holding out. Blah. It’s always a risks vs. benefits thing when it comes to pregnancy, and they really make women doubt themselves. It makes me want to punch some people out. Unisom has been considered completely safe (some say safer than Tylenol) in pregnancy, but oh whatever. You’re convinced everything is going to make your baby deformed or it will have Autism. It sucks.

I would say one of the very strangest things happening in the last week or so is that I have an aversion to almost ALL foods. What could this possibly mean? I have no idea. It’s not even when I’m nauseated… the thought of eating makes me sick. I hate it. There are about 5 things I can think about eating without gagging, so I pretty much force-feed myself every meal.

In other words, I’m one of those women that pregnancy doesn’t do well with. And that’s okay. My baby is going to be adorable and loved and cuddled and perfect, but my pregnancy might not be as wonderful. And I’m accepting that.

I’m starting prenatal yoga next month, which I’m hoping will help with energy. I’m also starting back with school and internship, which I think is going to absolutely exhaust me, but also distract me.

I am starting to get fiercely protective of my husband, my dog, and myself. I don’t know if it’s an instinct or what but I can feel something changing inside of me… that will keep anything from ever harming this little buddy or my family. It’s probably the strongest instinct I’ve ever experienced, and it’s simultaneously amazing and a little scary… hah.

11 Weeks: Bumpdate

Amy I’m stealing your bumpdate phrase cause I like it.

The bloat has subsided, and in it’s place, a poochy little belly is forming to hold my cupcake.

It’s just big enough to force me out of my regular jeans, and just small enough to still look like I ate a bunch of donuts and washed them down with something carbonated.

Right under my belly button you will see it gets particularly pudgy. Hilarious.

As far as symptoms go, my most annoying ones are probably insomnia, slight constant nausea, being exhausted, and the excess saliva. The morning sickness has begun to die down, THANK THE LORD ALMIGHTY, and is now tolerable enough for me to not want to kill myself every 5 seconds. I hadn’t puked in a few days until today, which I blame on nerves & waking up early for my internship interview. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a Tums down before I puked the first time, so I choked on my vomit (awesome fun times) and couldn’t breathe for a full minute.

It was a healthy moment for my anxiety.

The excess nausea is… hard to deal with. I spit a lot. Into toilets, in the shower, into bottles, into napkins. It gets the worst right after I drink something, so for a while I was actually dehydrating myself on purpose. It was a tough week or so before I realized I needed liquids.

Aside from symptoms, I’m starting to slowly (SLOWLY, SLOWLY, SLOWLY) get excited again about the pregnancy. I will tell those of you who have not been pregnant this right now (and some of you who have) – do not judge other pregnant women (not that any of you do). But seriously. Back off. You have no idea how disheartening it is to feel like you have the flu mixed with PMS symptoms for two months straight. Not every woman glows & holds her tummy in her arms with tears in her eyes & sings her ripening uterus lullabies.

Deal with it. It’s okay. I have plenty of time to get around to those things.

For now, I’m just trying to survive.

But yes. I think it’s real cute that the little buddy in my stomach is getting bigger, and next week I’ll get to see it again on ultrasound. I’m hoping that my blood clots will have absorbed, and that the anatomy will be fine. I’m thrilled that I get to watch our little buddy grow.

Oh and I still feel like it’s a boy. Big time. HUGE time.

Pregnancy Symptoms 10 Weeks

So, about a week ago I found out that I had a subchorionic hematoma, but that everything should be okay. It ups my chance of a miscarriage and a couple others problems. However, I haven’t spotted/bled since the appointment, so my body probably already absorbed it.

Either way, I’m not really stressing about it. God is in control and I’m too tired to worry. Unfortunately, it has me hesitant to really deeply bond with the baby at this point, a feeling that I’m hoping will lift as time goes on.

Other than that, I’ve just been kind of riding out this pregnancy.

Some of my pregnancy symptoms:
01) Acne – I was really hoping this one wouldn’t creep up on me, since my skin is already pretty broken out usually, but unfortunately it did. And it’s awful. My skin is so dry, too.

02) Dizziness – This one doesn’t happen as often as it did my first pregnancy, but sometimes I’m so dizzy I almost walk into a wall. It can be a little scary, but I’m not freaking out about it… (lies).

03) Strange Dreams – This one can be annoying, but also exciting. The dreams are vivid, random, and I wake up almost laughing sometimes. I might dream that I’m riding around on an electric dinosaur, eating a salad, and then swimming in a pool of dead people’s arms. True story. Sadly, I’ve had a couple of dreams about my ex-boyfriend. I’d rather have repeat pap smears every day than dream about him, so it’s pleasant.

04) Exhaustion – Yesterday I left the house for the first time in 5 days. Enough said. I nap all through the day, stay on the couch mostly, and can’t even do the dishes without being out of breath. Thankfully Mr. WC has stepped in big time.

05) Regular Bowel Movements – Unlike most who get constipated, I am regularly going to the bathroom, EVERY MORNING, as if I’m on a schedule. It’s strange to me. I think it’s because I’m not over-dosing on vitamins, like many women do during pregnancy. I’m also not peeing an unusual amount either, oddly enough. Don’t you love knowing this about me?

06) Headaches – Not really frequently, bu still, I’m one of those people who never get headaches, so it can be a little annoying. I also convince myself each time I have one that I have a brain tumor, so that’s fun.

07) Morning Sickness – Yep, it’s still hanging around. Though I do feel like it’s manageable, I do sometimes cry a little about it just because I’m so tired of eating every 2 hours and throwing up and feeling groggy. However, I am confident that it’s going to go away around 12 weeks, because I can tell it’s lessening already. That is what I tell myself to avoid dumping my head in the toilet and flushing it.

08) Depression & Anxiety – I blame this on a mix of the weather (my mood is highly influenced by winter) and also the pregnancy hormones. This has been pretty difficult for me, because in counseling over the last year, I had worked hard to control my anxiety to a point where it was not even… worth mentioning. I’ve lost a lot of that control and it’s been particularly depressing for me. I can’t explain it, it’s deeper than words I will probably share here. What’s getting me through is the knowledge that I have a supportive husband that will pull through when I can’t. I also need to get back in counseling before I become completely neurotic.

Honorable Mentions: TONS OF SALIVA, mood swings, gas, swelling boobs, growing baby bump, tearful, bloated, hair seems to be growing crazy fast, I smell worse when I sweat (weird), and cravings.

As a Thought

Dude. I really don’t want to become one of “those” mothers that only talks about their kid once it’s born. Like every word out of my mouth is about my baby… and all my status updates involve what the baby is doing, eating, playing with, how long it’s been sleeping…

Is it impossible to keep a somewhat normal life and still be a parent?

I hope so.

My Husband is Pregnant

Okay. Honestly. My husband has been this amazing source of support since I’ve been pregnant.

He works 8-5. Coaches wrestling 5:30-7:30. Comes home and usually makes me dinner. Rubs my feet and belly. Cleans up the house a little. And gets me something to drink or eat if I ask. This is 5 days a week, people.

He’s been doing the grocery shopping, helping me get dressed, tying my shoes if I’m too dizzy to bend over… just… everything.

And I guess it made my sex drive come back a little because WOW. We’ve been having some amazing (albeit bloated) love affairs up in our little house. And I have this new (pregnant?) thing where I like to be on top… like… all the time? He doesn’t complain. It’s about as much energy as I can muster to reward him right now.

Sweetly (and weirdly) enough, he has gained some weight and been sick a few times so far in my pregnancy. Some days when my belly hurts, his mysteriously hurts too. Sometimes he feels dizzy & tired when I do. It’s called sympathy pregnancy and it’s hilarious.

Almost as hilarious as waking up every morning and vomiting wildly and feeling like you’ve been run over by a truck all day. Then rocking back & forth and repeating, “Please kill me now… please kill me now… please kill me now…” while crying and snotting all over yourself.

Mr. WC has fulfilled his vows, that’s the only way I know how to word it. He has waited on me hand & foot and treated me like a little princess. He’s stayed excited about the pregnancy when I’ve become tired of it. He’s listened to me cry & napped with me & let me be moody and ridiculous. One night he said very gently, “You’re being hateful,” and WOO BOY let the flood gates open. It was true, I had been so hateful, and he’d been so patient with me.

I have a new respect for women who do this alone. Good GOD LORD how do you do it? I can barely function by myself right now… and I just want to give Mr. WC the props (ow ow) that he deserves, for being such an amazing husband. I love you, muffin. Less than 3. <3 Thank you so much!

Morning Sickness is Hell

I guess today officially marks 8 weeks. Party at my house?

I celebrated by vomiting up an entire bottle of water about 20 minutes ago. Oddly enough, I have realized that I have quite the talent at throwing up, because apparently I can choose whether or not to throw up liquid or solids. I kept down my Life cereal and the oatmeal I’d eaten, and only threw up water.

I have no idea how the hell that happened. But it was awesomeness.

I must’ve jinxed myself because I didn’t throw up at all yesterday or early this morning, and Mr. WC exclaimed on the phone during his lunch break, “You’ve broken the cycle! It’s over!” and I got horribly pissed off. He was just trying to be positive but I was like, “Please don’t say that because it’s not over,” and what do you know…an hour later I was puking.

It’s just that this is hard and awful and I do not want a SINGLE person minimizing it even a little bit. I’m serious, too. It’s like if I were to go up to someone who just had chemo and say, “But you’re not as sick as last week, are you?! Yayyayay!!!!!!”

You just don’t try to cheer up sick people. Another thing that some of you have done (and I love you dearly, and it’s fine – I understand why you’re doing it) is start in with the horror story thing. I don’t want to hear the horror stories about how you had it the entire pregnancy. If I don’t have hope that this is going to end, then things are going to get ugly quick. So please refrain. I’m not at that “special place” yet where I can empathize and then be thankful that at least I don’t have it that bad.

I’m sorry. Please don’t stop commenting or sending support, I’m just trying to be honest about what I need. What I need is people saying, “It ends. It’s okay. I was scared, too. It’s hard. You’re strong.”

Anything else is too much to stomach right now.

Oh, I made a pun in the middle of being a bitch! Cute!

So… other than looking forward to be disgustingly rushed and sick all Thanksgiving, I’ve been spending most of my time laying on the couch with not enough energy to move. That’s not like a… cool way of describing how tired I am. It’s literal. I don’t have enough energy to get up and walk around.

I’ve also had to start wrangling up some final things for school, for a class that meets tonight to wrap up our internship experiences, and it’s been… miserable. It’s too much for me to focus on anything other than just trying to breathe without gagging.

I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m mad.